Aug. 22nd, 2010

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It feels like it's crunch time now, since Monday is my first day with my students. I ran into them when I was out on the coast today and one of them knows a couple of kids from the town I was at. I told her at first that I knew them...but then I backtracked when she said she would ask about me and I told her that they didn't know me, because they were in Montreal at the time (which is sort of true, really.) that I was there. I don't care to bring my past into the present, but fuck does it seem determined to come back and piss me off. I was sort of upset at first when this encounter happened, because I really don't want people looking me up. I am not who I used to be. That was me almost two years ago and I have changed. I know it.  And I don't want anyone to judge me on the basis of those years. I thought about it and was like fuck it. That's not my business anymore. Living my life well now is my business.

I'm also sort of lonely. I miss the two J's pretty badly at the moment. I was listening to HS J (We've been friends since I was 17 and he was 16. I haven't seen him since 2008) song and I just got this raw wave of almost physical loneliness. I am resisting emailing the 2nd J because I know I just am going to do it because I'm sort of lonely at the moment and Friday's events kind of got me off kilter and despite being a douche sometimes, he was there when I did need him. He had this almost uncanny ability to email me when I was feeling low. But we're no good for each other. So no.

And another friend (whom I will see in Kuujjuaq in a couple of weeks) has been pining after this one other teacher she met at the orientation.And there's another chick and another teaching hooking up and I'm sort of torn between thinking it's nice and wondering again if I will be like my namesake Hel and remain cold and alone.

I am also kind of fucking annoyed at the genetic legacy at the moment. 

My hair has turned red. Yes. RED. How the fuck did it happen, I honestly don't know. The same red I used to dye it when I was younger. Funny. I got surrounded by kids today and they kept stroking my hair. I really felt weird. And I keep getting asked if I am an "Indian". It's starting to really irritate me, to tell the truth. And they don't mean it in a bad way, really. It's just that the two groups really don't interact much. Except for two towns further south, there's almost no interaction. Maybe in Kuujjuaq, but it's rare. So I'm a novelty in that I'm new and not white. And have red hair.

Blah. That's my whining done for the week. I'm as prepared as I can be for the moment in regards to my classes. I am hoping that it goes not as crazy as it used to back in the day. I have hope it's going to work out.

I've been having dreams again that start Ovechkin and Crosby and Tootoo, (I am sure that the latter is because I'm living in the Tundra. I'm actually across the sea from Nunavut) and I am sure that they will multiply once October gets here.

Yeah. I feel a bit better now.  I really have to go to bed now. I want to be there a bit earlier to get things ready and myself ready.

Here's hoping I get some good dreams.

Have also discovered Hetalia Axis Powers and it looks sort of WTF and amusing at the same time.



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December 2012


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